New Breast Implant

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Let Me Get This Straight...

..we're going to pass a health care plan written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it,

passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it,

to be signed by a president who also hasn't read it and who smokes,

with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes,

all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese,

and financed by a country that's nearly broke.

What could possibly go wrong?

I'm Not Sure Who This Woman Is....

but she claims she knows you.

What Would You Do?

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild stormy night. You pass by a bus stop and you see 3 people waiting for the bus:

1) An elderly lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2) An old friend who once saved your life.

3) The perfect partner you have been dreaming about all of your life.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that you can only hold one passenger in your car? Have you figured out which one?

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady because she is going to die; and, thus, save her life. Or you could take your old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never find your perfect mate again.

You won't believe this, but the candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered, "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

I guess, sometimes, we gain more if we're able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to think outside the box.

Life...Summarized in 4 Bottles

Oh no! I'm already on the 3rd one!!!

Job Interview

A guy goes to the local Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment," and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100% ... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10 a.m."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., then why do you want me to come in at 10 a.m.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer explains. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our cojones ... no point in you coming in for that."

Stand Closer To The Soap

How can you tell if you didn't wash properly?

Criscooooooo

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco! Crisssssssscoooooo!"

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is located on aisle 3."

The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere."

The clerk is astonished.

"Your wife's name is Crisco?"

The old guy answers, "Oh, no, no, no. I only call her that when we're in out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call her at home?"

The old man grins and replies, "Lard ass."

Lovemaking Tips for Seniors

As many of you know, I have now entered the "senior" stage of life. Since my arrival, many of my friends have reveled in the opportunity to poke fun at my old age. Today, one of my buddies sent me the following tips. The sad thing is...I'll probably use several of them soon.

1) Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2) Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3) Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4) Make sure you put 911 in your speed dial before you begin.

5) Write your partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6) Keep the Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7) Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8) Make all the noise you want...the neighbors are deaf too.

9) If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10) Don't even think about trying it twice.

Hummingbirds

Hairspray Rough Edit

Thank goodness this didn't make the final cut of the film.

Chemical Processing

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Sclumberg is such a person.



"I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine. And I'm pretty damn good at it too!"

Well said, Mr. Sclumberg

Arachnophobia? Ha! That’s a breakfast cereal, isn’t it?

Smoke On This, David Blaine