One-Eyed Japper

You’re probably wondering… “What’s a one-eyed Japper?” I have to admit, it’s a good question.

Some days it feels like I’m living in a zoo around here. You can find more critters in this house than I care to admit. I guess I should blame myself. You know, the man needs to put his foot down…rule the roost…master his domain. But who am I kidding? You and I both know that dads are most content when our family is happy. If they want a dog, we get a dog. If they want a cat, we get a cat. If they want a snake, we get a...wait a minute...I’m moving out. No snakes are coming in THIS house. (Famous last words…right?)

A few years back, Meredith and Will went to Chick-fil-a to eat. On their way, Meredith saw a guy giving away cats on the side of the road. Do you remember George Bush's "No Child Left Behind" policy? Well, Meredith's policy is "No Critter Left Behind." And it's not like she can do anything about it. God gifted her with the Dr. Doolittle Syndrome. All animals seek shelter under her protective wings. It's truly something she has no control over. It just so happens that the guy giving away cats on the side of the road had one last cat that had a broken tail and Meredith couldn't leave without it.

I'll never forget the phone call I received...

"Dad, I've got you something...."

"Did you get me a Chick-fil-a sandwich? I hope you did, because I'm starving."

"No, but you're gonna love it....."

"Don't make me guess. What is it?"

"I'm not telling...but you have to keep it."

"Meredith, for crying out loud...if you picked up another animal from the side of the road...I swear I'm gonna...ughhhhh! Well, did you? Did you pick up another animal?"

"You're gonna love him Dad."

That afternoon, I was presented with a "birthday" present. No, it wasn't my birthday, but Meredith deemed it close enough. At least that's the excuse she used for rescuing the cat. Plus, she enthusiastically exclaimed the most important part of the whole deal, "It was FREE!"

Hmmmm....imagine that...

There's absolutely no telling how much money that free cat has cost me. Right from the get-go, the cat got into a fight and lost one of his eyes. Oh, we carried him to the vet, but they couldn't save the eye. My pocketbook took a beating from that surgery! Then there was a time when Meredith and Angie were convinced that the cat had a disease which was preventing him from gaining weight. So, of course, we had numerous lab reports performed to see if the cat had any abnormalities present. He also had an incident with a car door that caused a second notch in his tail. One day, Angie was getting out of her car and he was too close to her when she closed the car door. All of a sudden, the cat started hissing and jumping. Unfortunately, his tail was trapped in the door! He looked like a dog on a short leash...and the leash was attached to his butt. What a sight! Angie frantically digging through her purse for her car keys...the cat hissing and bounding this way and that...all while tethered to the car. Yeah, that was funny.

Did I mention that the cat tore up the screen on my storm door? When he was younger, he'd jump onto the storm door and look inside our kitchen. He'd literally be hanging from the screen...bobbing his head...waiting for someone to see him. There's nothing like having a one-eyed cat stare at you while you're fixing supper. But everytime he jumped on the screen, his weight caused the fibers to give way and eventually the door became an eye-sore because of the sore-eyed cat.

Meredith named him "Jasper." But, as I have a habit of doing, I enhanced his name and began calling him "Japper." Now Japper is the rogue of our neighborhood. He "cats" around like he owns the whole cul-de-sac. Dogs can't stand him, and he'll "bow up like a cut worm" if the dogs try to get him. He's run more dogs off than any cat I've ever seen. But he is most disliked by the birds. Throughout the spring and summer, he is constantly dive-bombed by all sorts of birds. Japper, the cool cucumber that he is, just lies around and waits...flicking his tail like a lure. I don't condone his actions...but when I see him under constant air attack throughout the day...I usually tell him, "Get you one, Japper. Show 'em who's boss."

And that's exactly what he did the other day. One-eyed Japper has caught about three birds this summer, various mice, and other varmints that I don't care to mention. He evidently takes great pride in these captures because he always brings them up to us on the carport. Now how does a one-eyed, broken-tail cat capture anything. I can't believe he has good enough depth perception with only one eye...but he obviously gets the job done.

P.S. If I ever form a blues band...I'm going to call it "One-Eyed Japper." The first album cover will have Japper bobbing his head while hanging from a screen door. Pretty cool, huh? I've already called dibs, so don't you dare try to take the name from me. Oh, and I wonder what I'll get for my birthday this year?