The Short Bus

Some things don't have to be long to make a point. This video is only 10 seconds long, but it makes me laugh out loud every time I watch it.

Plus, I love it to see my kids being just as goofy as dear old dad.

Shake Your Groove Thing

Before Christmas, Meredith, Daniel, and Angie made a bunch of these ElfYourself videos. However, every time we tried to embed them into Facebook or Blogger, it wouldn't allow us access to a code. While cleaning my Gmail Inbox this morning, I went back to the site and watched the videos one last time. Much to my surprise, I was able to copy the embedding codes this morning. This one was my favorite. And, yes, I actually danced like that in the '70's.

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

What A Year Can Do

It doesn't seem that long ago, but last January, we were about to open "Oscar and Felix" at the Strauss. If you've followed my blog, you know that this was one of my most rewarding experiences in a play. The friendships that began during the play have lasted for over a year now. Plus, I've seen my three poker-playing buddies find the loves of their lives...and two of them have already married. Wow!!!

I'll never forget the first time that we read for our parts together. We were in the lobby of the Strauss with the director, Dennis, and Toby O and John, the two leads in the play. The four poker buddies were Matt, Michael Wayne, Steve, and me. We took turns reading the different parts. No matter which parts we read, we always seemed to go back to the ones that ultimately made it to the stage. I remember thinking that I was a rookie with a bunch of all stars. Similar to being starstruck, I didn't feel like I belonged in the play with these guys. Mikey entered during the initial rehearsals as the assistant director. But ultimately, Steve had to drop out and Mikey assumed the role of "Roy". After that, all the pieces of the puzzle were in place.

The run was successful and, in my humble opinion, was the most entertaining show offered last season. One night, Matt's sister filmed us. I watched some of the footage again today and decided to offer it to you. Every night, we tried to up the ante with something. Watch for this in the video...Matt slaps my shoulder after I say "twelve". I really believe he was trying to hit me harder and harder every night.

Oops! I Did It Again

Don't you hate making mistakes? We all make mistakes. Some are bigger than others though. Some we can correct. Some we'll have to live with til Kingdom comes. I figured I'd take this blog to tell you about some of the funnier ones that I've made in the appraisal business. It's only fair. I mean, c'mon...I've poked fun at some of the other guys here in the twin cities. Why not show how fallible I am?

The mistakes I will share with you were not born of malice or deceit though. They were created by my own incompetence in one form or another. My dad said it best, "If we never made mistakes, no one could afford us." I guess you could say that I am very affordable. So, here we go! Buckle up...the ride might get bumpy.

Abracadabra...Poof...Bathroom Reappear: I appraised a house in 2002. Approximately one year later, the owners refinanced with a different lender and I was hired to appraise it again. I took my file from the previous year because I didn't want to remeasure the house. Walking through, I noticed something was different. I looked at my old floor plan again and noticed that I forgot to give them credit for a bathroom. I literally forgot to draw it on the sketch. It was there the first time; but, somehow, I was distracted and didn't include it. Nice magic trick, Mark.


2002


2003

Nice Central Air System: I did another home twice within a couple of years. The first time I inspected the house, I diligently wrote everything down properly on my field notes, which is the data that I collect while I'm at a house. Back at the office, I typed the information into my computer. My software allows me to insert preset data into the function keys. Therefore, if I'm typing in the section that describes the exterior walls, I can hit the F3 button and "Brick Veneer" is automatically inserted into the form. F4 would insert "Wood Frame", F5 would insert "Vinyl Siding". You get the picture, right?

Well, on the section that describes the cooling system, I use only two "hot" keys. F3 is "Central H&A" and F4 is "Window Units". These buttons are right next to each other. In my haste, I hit the F3 button the first time I inspected the house. I didn't catch my mistake until two years later...during a re-inspection. The central air system was non-existent. Oopsie daisy. It was the same lender, so I called and told them that I found a mistake on my first appraisal but I corrected it. Fortunately, at that time, the market was still gradually increasing each year; and the homeowner didn't lose any value because of my previous oversight.



34? No, Let's Try 36: I go through tape measures at a rate of about one per year. I like to use fiberglass, open reel tape measures...100 foot...engineer ruled. Back about 10 years ago, I found a tape measure at Sears that met my criteria. Plus it was on sale...so I jumped all over it. I used it for about two weeks and then...it happened. No, the tape measure didn't break. I was actually performing a final inspection on a new house. Typically we appraise new construction based on plans and specifications...prior to the home being built. Then, after construction is complete, we will make an inspection to ensure that the house was built exactly as outlined in the plans. The homeowner was walking around the house with me. (Don't get me started on homeowners making every step with me...that's another blog.) Most guys that have had an active part in building their house can tell you the dimensions of the walls...even if you don't want to hear it. I still measure the walls, though. I can't tell you how many times a guy has told me that a wall was "x" feet long...only to discover that it was "y". And usually, it's a little awkward when you tell the guy, "Thanks, but I'm still gonna measure it." You might as well say, "I don't believe you." or "You're an idiot." or "You couldn't pour soup out of a boot with instructions on the heel."

Sorry, I digressed...

At any rate, I was re-inspecting this guy's house for the final. We walked around to the left side of the house and he said, "That's 36 feet long." I told him that I still needed to measure. I hung the tape on the corner of the house and walked down to the other end. I examined my tape measure and gleefully told him, "Nope, it's 34." (You see when the homeowner makes a mistake, it's really fun to correct them. However, in this situation, my glee was short-lived.)

Homeowner: "No, it's 36."

Me: "Well, come over here and read my tape, because it says 34."

Homeowner: "Your tape is wrong."

Me: "It's brand new...it couldn't be." (Wow! What a come-back, right?)

I walked back to about the 20-foot line and started counting...with the homeowner. "20...25...30...31...32...33...36?!...35?!...34?!" My new tape measure had the "34" and the "36" interchanged. Fear rushed into my head..."How many houses have I measured incorrectly? Arghhhh!!!" I could barely finish the final inspection because anxiety was eating me up. As soon as I arrived at my office, I tried to look at sketches from every house I had measured in the previous two weeks. I couldn't find any 34-foot or 36-foot walls on any of them. So, I was relieved. I packaged up the tape measure and drove to Sears. Once inside, I griped out the guy in the tool department. I realize it wasn't his fault, but I had to vent. He laughed and said that somebody obviously screwed up. Duh?!? He offered me a replacement, but I would have to hand over the old one. I decided against it. I figured I may need the bad one as evidence should I ever be sued by anyone with a 36-foot long wall.

I've made plenty of other mistakes over the years. But those three always stick in my mind as being humorous. Someday, I'll show you a copy of the saying that my dad printed using his quote about mistakes. It's about a paragraph long and instructs us to be tolerant of each other because we're all human and make mistakes. It was printed on parchment paper by a local office supply company; and it was suitable for framing. Funny thing is the document has a mistake. The printer's typesetter misspelled one of the words and nobody caught it until 1000 of them had been printed. Oops!

The Alaskan Pipeline of Mistakes

Angie and John were shopping a couple of days before Christmas. Poor Angie had way too many things on her agenda. It all began with picking up John from the car dealership (his car needed some minor repairs), taking Meredith's cell phone to her at work (she forgot it at home), and then, off to do various shopping that she desperately needed to finish.

After picking up John, they decided they had a tiny window of opportunity to get some lunch. You see, John was supposed to be at work at 1:00 pm and it was noon. After dropping off Meredith's phone near the mall, they chose McAlister's Deli for lunch. Big mistake!

In McAlister's defense, it was noon...a few days before Christmas. Not exactly a down time for restaurants. But Angie was patient. Probably more patient than she should have been.

When Angie noticed people leaving with their orders...people who had ordered after Angie...she decided it was time to take action. As it turned out, they had already waited over 30 minutes for the order. When pressed for an estimated delivery time, the cashier didn't have an answer. So Angie asked for the manager. He apologized and quickly "found" their order. He earnestly tried to rescue the situation by comping the meal. Angie was satisfied with the gesture but was still behind the eight-ball on time. So, she and John grabbed their food and left.

She took John to work first. While sorting through the four (4) sandwiches, they noticed that none of the sandwiches were made correctly. Not even close. One sandwich, which was ordered "plain", had all the fixings. One ordered without mayo and tomato had an abundance of both items slathered into the mix. Zero for four...whiff...whiff...whiff...whiff!

So, the winner of the Wooden Spoon...drum roll...McAlister's Deli. The free sandwiches weren't enough to overcome the glaring incompetence. McAlister's brags that they have the "Alaskan Pipeline" of straws for their sweet teas. After this incident, I'd say the big sucking sound wasn't caused by the straw.

{I created the Wooden Spoon Awards for those who can't get it right. The idea came from the thought of whacking the offending party in the head with a wooden spoon. Fortunately, I realized that action would be illegal and unproductive. So, instead, I write and gripe about it. It's my right...I'm getting old!}

Grumpy?

Although you won't be able to tell on the attached video, I received a new camera for Christmas. The videos that it produces are full of vibrant colors and sharp contrasts. Unfortunately, my video editing software is still archaic. Therefore, you'll have to take my word for it...this was a nice looking video before I edited it.

I was playing with the video function on my new camera when Duke decided he'd had enough. Enough of me filming...enough of Meredith kissing him...enough of everything. I think he was tired and ready for bed. He can't speak plain English, but his moans spoke volumes.

Funky Buttloving

Do you remember the movie "Rookie of the Year"? You know, the one with the kid that breaks his arm but winds up being a pitcher for the Cubs? When the movie came out, John and Meredith were 8 and 7 respectfully. The perfect age to appreciate some of the humor in that movie. And yes, I loved the movie too.

One of our favorite parts was when Henry was getting his cast off and the doctor is moving Henry's arm. During the examination, you can hear Henry's arm getting tighter and tighter, similar to a rubber band stretching to its breaking point. Then...all of a sudden...the arm snaps and hits the doctor in the nose. And what does the good doctor say? "Funky buttloving!" We laughed out loud at the movies and we still laugh about it today. In fact, Meredith uses it in her normal day-to-day activities. Take for instance today. We were rearranging her room and she decided to have a "keeper" stack and a "trash" pile. I was helping to sort through the mess. My instructions were these...

Meredith: "If I say 'funky buttloving', put it in the 'keeper' stack. If I say 'sayonaro', put it in the trash pile."

Me: "yessum"

Meredith: (holding a pair of high-heeled shoes) "Funky buttloving!"

Me: (laughing) "I don't know how long I'm going to be able to do this."

I immediately took the shoes and put them in the 'keeper' stack. This went on for an hour or so. It was a tough job, but somebody had to do it. Please believe me when I tell you that she still has a ton of funky buttloving stuff in her room.

Miss Me?

I've started to blog over the past few days, but never officially pulled the trigger. It's not because I didn't have anything on my mind, because I have. I even wrote a Wooden Spoon Award about a local restaurant. I haven't published it though, because it seemed so negative during a time of year that we should all be celebrating. So, I'm holding off...for now.

Another reason I haven't written much is because I have had so much on my mind. Sometimes my brain gets so full of ideas that it's actually hard to stay focused on just one point while I'm writing. It's sort of like the little boy holding a couple of fingers in the dike...and then a bunch of other holes start forming. Sometimes, I don't have enough fingers to stop the flooding.

So, tonight, I just want to say I've missed you. I hope you missed The Cutting Edge during my hiatus. I hope that you enjoyed Christmas and remembered the real reason why we celebrate. I've run through the gauntlet of emotions during the past week. I've been happy and I've been sad. But mostly, I've been grateful.

And since, I'm not offering a family video or any photos tonight, I thought it would be best to offer you at least something. This little video made me smile. In fact, I think this guy could give Jim Carrey a run for his facial distortion money.

Chocolate-ty Doughnut-y Mess

Here we have John eating a typical nutritious breakfast with his mom. We took pleasure in watching how messy the kids could get with certain foods. I was wearing a suit, so I stayed away from John until he had been de-chocolated.

Poor Meredith is off on her own to play with a paper sack. Actually, I can't believe we have any video of her without tears. That girl cried for the first year of her life...non-stop. There were only three people who she would allow to hold her...Angie, Angie's mom, and my dad. Maybe it was the food we fed 'em...

Almost As Good

I offer this video from Mother's Day, 1987. My family had met at my parents' house for lunch to celebrate. You will get to meet my mother as she loves on toddler John. You'll meet one of my sisters, Judy, and her husband, Richard. Also, you'll see Judy's two boys, Addison and Taylor. Maggi, my niece, is in one brief shot, but her brother, Robert, can be seen throughout the video. You can't miss him because his mouth never stops. Also, you'll get to see my father, Harry. We all called him "Pa". My other sister, Kathy, and her husband, Bob, left as I began filming; and, therefore, I didn't get any shots of them.

I'm afraid you might get the feeling that you've entered the McCallisters' house. Remember, at the beginning of "Home Alone" when Joe Pesci is pretending to be a cop and he can't get anyone's attention because of all of the clamor. Welcome to our horde...grab a seat and hang on.

Towards the end, my father will look at the camera and say to me that it was "almost as good". He was referring to something that I cooked that day. My memory is at a loss for what the food was, but it was some dish that he had taught me how to cook. His comments were to let me know that the student was still not up to par with the teacher. Funny thing is I'm still chasing his legacy today.

Are You Teething Me?

In the fall of 1995, I recorded Meredith playing with Daniel on the living room floor. I don't think Meredith fully understood it at the time, but Daniel was teething. After this experience, she never wanted to be teethed again. John wanted in on the action, but Daniel was all teethed out after slobbering on his sister.

Take That! Oh Yeah, Well Take This!

There were two things you could always count on when John and Meredith were younger: 1) they were fighting, or 2) they were about to start a fight. If I'm lying, I'm dying. Those two kids fought everyday about something. Usually, the fights escalated into shoving matches, wrestling matches, or all-out brawls. On week days, I'd usually call Angie by mid-morning to see if they'd had a blood-letting yet.

Here's one episode in 1990. I don't know how or when it started. I do know...because I recorded it...that Meredith pinched John. For all I know, John could have pinched her first...I just didn't have the film rolling yet. Afterwards, though, John takes matters into his own hands. These two may be the reason I'll earn an early admittance into the insane asylum.

One other special note. The orange tabby cat that Meredith is holding belonged to the college guys across the street. (hmmm...I wonder if Angie had anything to do with that?) That crazy cat would let Meredith hold him upside down, by his tail, while riding on a tricycle...and never fussed. When the cat had had enough of Meredith, he'd jump down and take off running for cover. That was a cool cat.

I Love Grammar Girl

Grammar Girl is one of my favorite podcasts offered on iTunes. It is concise and offers sound advice on communicating. A few months ago, I subscribed to her "Tip of the Day". What a blessing this has been. Several times during the month of December, GG has provided insightful recommendations for grammar that you and I use everyday. I don't know about you, but I can use all the help I can get.

How 'Bout a Mud Pack Facial?

Yesterday, I told you about the dirt piles behind our house in Madison, MS. They were a great source of fun for John and Meredith. On this day, however, they were also a great source of pain...and humor.

I was trying to teach the kids how to jump across the crevices. When Angie came out to watch, she took the camcorder and began filming. Everything was going fine until I got involved in the jumping.

Meredith became the unfortunate victim of my enthusiasm. Then, after she received a mud pack facial, more humor ensued because we noticed that John couldn't spit to save his life. After watching this, you'll probably understand why my kids think I'm a knucklehead. Well, heck, I thought it was funny!