The Cutting Edge of Mediocre

Let Me Get This Straight...

2009-10-16T08:30:00.000-05:00

..we're going to pass a health care plan written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it,

passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it,

to be signed by a president who also hasn't read it and who smokes,

with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes,

all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese,

and financed by a country that's nearly broke.

What could possibly go wrong?

I'm Not Sure Who This Woman Is....

2009-10-10T16:14:00.008-05:00

but she claims she knows you.

What Would You Do?

2009-10-07T06:00:00.000-05:00

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild stormy night. You pass by a bus stop and you see 3 people waiting for the bus:

1) An elderly lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2) An old friend who once saved your life.

3) The perfect partner you have been dreaming about all of your life.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that you can only hold one passenger in your car? Have you figured out which one?

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady because she is going to die; and, thus, save her life. Or you could take your old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never find your perfect mate again.

You won't believe this, but the candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered, "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

I guess, sometimes, we gain more if we're able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to think outside the box.

Life...Summarized in 4 Bottles

2009-10-01T15:29:00.006-05:00

Oh no! I'm already on the 3rd one!!!

Job Interview

2009-09-30T12:00:00.000-05:00

A guy goes to the local Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment," and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100% ... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10 a.m."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., then why do you want me to come in at 10 a.m.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer explains. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our cojones ... no point in you coming in for that."

Stand Closer To The Soap

2009-09-27T21:00:00.004-05:00

How can you tell if you didn't wash properly?

Criscooooooo

2009-09-25T06:00:00.001-05:00

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco! Crisssssssscoooooo!"

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is located on aisle 3."

The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere."

The clerk is astonished.

"Your wife's name is Crisco?"

The old guy answers, "Oh, no, no, no. I only call her that when we're in out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call her at home?"

The old man grins and replies, "Lard ass."

Lovemaking Tips for Seniors

2009-09-24T14:00:00.000-05:00

As many of you know, I have now entered the "senior" stage of life. Since my arrival, many of my friends have reveled in the opportunity to poke fun at my old age. Today, one of my buddies sent me the following tips. The sad thing is...I'll probably use several of them soon.

1) Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2) Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3) Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4) Make sure you put 911 in your speed dial before you begin.

5) Write your partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6) Keep the Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7) Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8) Make all the noise you want...the neighbors are deaf too.

9) If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10) Don't even think about trying it twice.

Hummingbirds

2009-09-23T06:00:00.011-05:00

Hairspray Rough Edit

2009-09-21T23:00:00.003-05:00

Thank goodness this didn't make the final cut of the film.

Chemical Processing

2009-09-20T06:00:00.002-05:00

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Sclumberg is such a person.

"I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine. And I'm pretty damn good at it too!"

Well said, Mr. Sclumberg

Arachnophobia? Ha! That’s a breakfast cereal, isn’t it?

2009-09-19T06:00:00.005-05:00

Smoke On This, David Blaine

2009-09-18T06:00:00.004-05:00

So Dat's Where's She's From

2009-09-17T06:00:00.002-05:00

Lars is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm, and looks at the cow.

He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.

When he grabs a teat and pulls.....the cow farts.

Surprised, Lars looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.

He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.

Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Lars decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts.

Sven looks at Lars and says, 'You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Lars is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Lars replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.'

Presidential Qualifications

2009-09-16T06:00:00.001-05:00

In a university classroom, students were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple, the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but every one's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep...and now we have a glimpse of one of the 18-year-olds who just voted in our last presidential election.

Getting Older

2009-09-15T06:00:00.002-05:00

3 Old Oilfield hands at breakfast chatting......

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You
always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

Cow Killer

2009-09-14T06:00:00.001-05:00

Leopard Moth

2009-09-13T06:00:00.003-05:00

Lizards

2009-09-12T06:00:00.004-05:00

Horsing Around

2009-09-11T06:00:00.003-05:00

Cornucopia of Wildlife

2009-09-10T06:00:00.002-05:00

Duke at the Dog Park

2009-09-09T09:09:00.003-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, Angie, Daniel, and I went to visit Meredith and Duke in Baton Rouge. We found that both have adjusted well to the recent move and Duke has fallen in love with the Dog Park. What dog wouldn't? 2 pools...balls everywhere...other dogs to interact with. This is now part of his daily routine.

At any rate, this is some of the footage I shot over a couple of days.

Smile Therapy

2009-08-29T13:39:00.003-05:00

Sign over a Gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Septic Tank truck:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a Tire shop:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

At a Radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

AARP Eye Chart

2009-08-25T07:30:00.000-05:00

Yes, I'm getting older and don't care to think about it. But to make matters worse, I found out that they're making eye charts that torment us older folks with failing eye site.

The Haircut

2009-08-17T22:00:00.001-05:00

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Interesting Bird, the Pelican

2009-08-14T06:30:00.005-05:00

Interesting bird, the pelican. Can hold more in its beak than its belly can.

I shot this video of two pelicans fishing at the Gulf. I was using a Canon Digital Elph, which is not exactly the best camera for capturing this type of action. However, in the immortal words of Farmer Hoggett, "That'll do, pig. That'll do."

The music was written and performed by my friend, Craig Bostick. There aren't many guitarists around these parts as good as Craig.

Practice, Practice, Practice

2009-08-11T19:00:00.000-05:00

This is actually video captured years apart. In 2006, we had a heavy rain that inundated the backyard with water. Will and Daniel decided it was prime for skim boarding. The first part of the video is only the set-up for the second half. Hope you enjoy!

Cajun Counseling

2009-08-10T07:00:00.000-05:00

Boudreaux and Pierre are quietly sitting in a boat fishing...chewing tobacco and drinking beer...when suddenly Pierre says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She ain't spoke to me in over 2 months!" Boudreaux spits, sips his beer and says. "Better think it over.....women like dat are hard to find."

Life In the 1500s

2009-08-01T19:00:00.000-05:00

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all, the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, it's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying, a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that's the truth. Now, whoever said history was boring?!

Getting to the Heart of the Matter

2009-07-31T06:00:00.001-05:00

Life really boils down to just 2 questions:

1) Should I get a dog?

or

2) Should I have children?

No matter what situations life throws at you...no matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem...remember, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel.

Wish I Was a Little Boy Again

2009-07-30T10:30:00.002-05:00

Cat Scratch Fever

2009-07-29T19:00:00.006-05:00

Here's some additional info about working with animals. But the thing that made me laugh the most was at the very end. Y'see, Meredith has been working on this new reality show idea and she revealed the name towards the end of the clip.

Rewarding Work

2009-07-28T22:30:00.003-05:00

Ever wondered what it's like to work at a veterinary hospital? Meredith gives you a taste of what she does all day long.

Take Me Out To The Ballgame...

2009-07-27T19:12:00.004-05:00

Having coached all of my kids in either baseball or softball, I found this set of photos to be rather interesting.

Hmmmmm......

2009-07-23T10:47:00.002-05:00

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land".

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the promised land".

Now Obama has stolen your shovels, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

I Can't Help Myself

2009-07-12T15:00:00.004-05:00

Duke is like any lab...he LOVES water. Meredith will take him to her boyfriend's house from time to time; and as soon as Duke gets out of the car, he heads for Will's pool. He loves to drop a ball in the pool and wait for it to get far enough away that he has to go into the water for it. It doesn't really matter what type of body of water is near, Duke will take refuge in it...freezing cold or lukewarm.

I was washing my car last Sunday and I was using a small ice chest to make my suds. Meredith walked out with Duke and much to our surprise, he tried to drop his ball in the bucket...over and over and over. We finally decided to film it so everyone could see that Duke has a problem. When it comes to water, he can't help himself. He wants to be near it or in it at all times.

Clowns

2009-07-11T22:00:00.007-05:00

A few weeks ago at the Christopher Awards, Matt, John, and I were supposed to present the award for Best Actor in a Musical. Go out, read from a script, present the award. Easy right? Not with these clowns. Matt and I were intent on adlibbing...whatever came to our minds, we were going to roll with it. John told us backstage that there was going to be no adlibbing...NONE. Funny how things work out because the first one to go off the reservation was...John.

By the way, my blood pressure was through the roof on this night. My meds had quit doing what they were supposed to do. I didn't tell anybody, but my head was killing me and I was rather light-headed. I kept thinking, "The show must go on...the show must go on..." Fortunately, the very next week, my doctor prescribed a different medicine for me and I've been feeling much better. But I can't help but think, "What would I have done if I was feeling 100%?" I may have been arrested that night.

The Power of Compounding Interest

2009-07-10T23:00:00.001-05:00

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Twinkle Toes

2009-07-06T23:00:00.001-05:00

The Retriever

2009-07-03T10:51:00.005-05:00

This is what I call a 'retriever'. Training the gator is somewhat difficult though. I'm still having a little trouble getting him to bring the pig to me.

Cone Head

2009-06-30T22:00:00.001-05:00

Our dog, Duke, injured himself and required surgery. After the surgery, he kept scratching and licking the wound. So Meredith bought an Elizabethan collar to prevent him from aggravating the injury. I told her that I didn't think the cone would fit Duke. She put it on to prove that it would. The result is a funny video.

Redneck Fire Alarm

2009-06-29T12:00:00.000-05:00

Thing I Learned in Louisiana

2009-06-22T08:21:00.003-05:00

1) A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2) There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Louisiana .
3) There are 10,000 types of spiders, and all 10,000 of them live in Louisiana .
4) If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5) "Onced" and "Twiced" are words.
6) It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.
7) "Jaw-P?" means, "Did y'all go to the bathroom?"
8) People actually grow and eat okra.
9) "Fixinto" is one word.
10) There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper...
11) Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
12) Backwards and forwards means, "I know everythin' bout you."
13) The word "jeet" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"
14) You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see...
15) You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
16) You measure distance in minutes.
17) You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
18) All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
19) You know what a "Dawg" is.
20) You carry jumper cables in your car - for your own car.
21) You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tony's, Tabasco and ketchup.
22) The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and high school football...
23) You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
24) You find 100 degrees "a bit warm."
25) You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
26) Going to Walmart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Walmartin" or "off to Wally World."
27) You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good hog killin' weather.
28) Fried catfish is the other white meat.
29) We don't need no dang Driver's Ed...
If our mama says we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit.
30) You understand these jokes and forward them to your Louisiana friends and those who just wish they were from Louisiana !!!!!

The Pause

2009-05-26T22:00:00.000-05:00

As you may have noticed, the Cutting Edge has been slowing down. I looked back and I really haven't written many personal blogs since I celebrated the anniversary back in January '09. I think the one year anniversary was similar to a finish line for me. Could I write consistently for one year? I proved to myself that I could, but more importantly, I proved (again to myself) that I possessed an inking of what my father had.

But lately, I haven't felt the urgency to write. I have plenty of story ideas, but I didn't sense a growing audience. And plain and simple, I didn't want to "play to an empty house." I know my creativity should not be tied to whether or not someone is reading. But I'm pragmatic in some things. I tell myself to major in major things, and minor in minor things. Writing is a major thing. It requires time, effort, and vulnerability. For the time being, I don't think I am willing to give those precious items away any more.

My dad wrote 3 books. I hope if you haven't already purchased one, you will soon. I think you'll like his sense of humor and his outlook on life. He ended each book with "the pause." He never liked saying "the end." It was too final. And trust me, he was never through telling stories. He was never through making people happy. So...tonight I offer "the pause" to those of you who have grown to enjoy the Cutting Edge. I'm not through, but I'm going to take a break...a pause. When the time is right, I'll be back. Thanks for coming along on this part of the journey.

Test Your Knowledge

2009-05-17T12:00:00.000-05:00

This is a game. In the paragraph below, there are 16 books of the Bible. See if you can find them. Hint: You might have to take portions of two words and put them together to find a book. Good luck!

I once made some remarks about hidden books of the Bible. It was a lulu, kept people looking so hard for facts, and to some it was a revelation. Some were in a jam, especially since the books were not capitalized. The truth finally struck home to numbers of readers; to others it was a real job. I want it to be a most fascinating few minutes for you. Yes, there will be some really easy ones; others might require judges to determine. I will quickly admit it usually takes a minister to find one, and there will be real lamentations when you see how easy it is. A little lady says that if she brews tea, she can concentrate better. See how well you can compete, relax, and note that there are sixteen in this paragraph.

Is Your Mouse Not Operating?

2009-05-14T08:00:00.000-05:00

This was taken from a field instruction manual on computer maintenance.

"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. it is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer...."

Things Might Be Out of Control

2009-05-12T06:00:00.001-05:00

I bought a round of Starbucks for everyone the other day. By "everyone," I mean Angie, Meredith, and Daniel. By "everyone," I don't mean Duke.

But much to my surprise, Duke partook in some caffeinated beverage. I was sitting at the computer when Angie screamed, "Mark! Come here...bring your camera!"

Here's what I saw.

mmmmm...good to the last drop!

Wait...there's one more drip in there.

Who made that mess on the floor?

Uh oh! Looks like someone missed a drop.

Outburst!

2009-05-11T07:00:00.002-05:00

Usually when I pick up Daniel from school, he has an outburst of pent up energy once he gets in the van. I guess he holds it in during school and it just all boils over after he's in a safe environment.

This video is very short and captures only a couple of screams. I had to hide my camera because he goes into lock-down mode when he sees that I'm filming him.

Yearly Physical

2009-05-08T06:30:00.000-05:00

Someone sent me this and I thought it was funny.

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basics.
How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5' 5".

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall
and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

Doctor put me on Prozac.

Sitting in the Pickup Line

2009-05-07T06:00:00.001-05:00

Besides the little video that I made on the trip to John's apartment last weekend, I haven't made many car cameos lately. Partly because of my new Canon camera. It makes wonderful photos and videos, but the videos are in a format that aren't easily converted to my little vignettes.

Recently however, I decided to take my Sony camera with me and start capturing moments again. I was waiting in the line to pick up Daniel from school when I turned the camera on and just started talking. For better or worse, here's the result...

John's Last Day @ NMBC

2009-05-06T12:00:00.000-05:00

For Those Who Thought They Knew Everything...

2009-05-05T06:00:00.002-05:00

...here's a refresher course.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait...

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass.)

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king without a mustache.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you! That women are going the 'right' direction...?)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice!

Pearls melt in vinegar.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

And the best for last....turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that, don't you?)

So.......................

Remember, knowledge is everything. Now, go move your toothbrush!!!

Trip To John's New Apartment

2009-05-04T06:00:00.001-05:00

I've made a micro-video of our trip to Vicksburg on Saturday. I didn't have to do too much work over there because my beast of a wife had already done the heavy lifting on Friday. If you're wondering why it seems that I'm talking to myself when we enter John's apartment, I'm not. My bride wanted to hear my first impression of every room.

The last segment shows John sleeping. I could have filmed that portion for an hour because that's how long he slept. I just figured it would have opened up a nasty betting game if I showed too much, though. Y'know, people would have been betting when the drool was going to reach his shirt.

A A A D D

2009-05-03T09:00:00.000-05:00

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the garden isn't watered, the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all friggin' day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'm gonna go water my garden.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming.

Don't Mind Me, I'm Just 'Leen-in...Trampoline-in That Is

2009-05-01T15:00:00.003-05:00

I was in Fairbanks the other day...passing through on my way to look at a property in Swartz. Driving down the street, something caught my eye. I quickly took another glance and saw a dog sleeping on a trampoline.

I immediately turned around in someone's driveway and drove back to get a better look. Low and behold, there he was. A boxer had jumped onto the trampoline and was just chillin'.

This is only the second time I've seen a dog that could jump on a trampoline. The first was Pepper, a dog we rescued last year. (Pepper was adopted by a friend and no longer lives with us.) Pepper was amazingly agile. Watch the video and see. Pardon all of Angie's one-sided conversation. She was filming Daniel jumping and talking on the phone with John at the same time.

Be Careful What You Leave Behind

2009-04-30T06:00:00.001-05:00

Tree Hugging

2009-04-29T06:00:00.002-05:00

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this, he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..."

So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw the guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Y'know, this just ain't gonna be your day......cupcake..."

The Serpentine

2009-04-28T09:00:00.007-05:00

Months ago, I showed how Duke likes to run to the right side of the telephone pole in my yard while chasing balls. (See link below.) Today, the meandering dog is back with a new trick.

Duke still goes around the pole, but if the ball travels down the middle of the street, he will run into a neighbor's yard on the other side of the street before he retrieves the ball...99 times out of 100!

http://pard1959.blogspot.com/2008/09/when-you-come-to-fork-in-road.html

That Explains It

2009-04-27T14:00:00.000-05:00

I often wonder how some people in my profession continue to make mistakes day in and day out. I mean, I realize some of the mistakes are made in honest error. We all make mistakes. But some appear to be born out of greed or, even worse, appear to be born out of ignoring the 1st commandment.

When one worries what another person thinks about them, they are telling God that they value that one mortal's opinion over the Almighty's. "I don't want to let this guy down" they might say. Or "I don't want to do anything that might jeopardize our friendship. So I'm going to cover up their mistake with a lie of my own."

Well, I saw this photo and realized that it explained it best. When you make a person, a material thing, or anything other than God as the center of your life, you might as well be kissing where the sun don't shine.

Blonde!!!

2009-04-25T09:00:00.000-05:00

How About a Couple Jokes? (PG-13)

2009-04-24T06:00:00.002-05:00

JOKE #1
Question: What do you get when you cross PMS with GPS?

Answer: A bitch that can find you anywhere.

JOKE #2
A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE

NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell rang constantly, she received tons of mail, all to no avail. None seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, 'Who are you? And what do you want?'

'Hi,' he said, 'Your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away.'

'Well, then,' she said, 'What makes you think that you're so great in bed?'

To which he replied, 'Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'

New Water Cooler

2009-04-23T06:00:00.001-05:00

I bought a new water cooler for my company but productivity is down. I can't figure out why...

Flow Chart For the New America

2009-04-22T06:00:00.000-05:00

Talking Dogese

2009-04-21T06:00:00.003-05:00

Our dog, Madeline, is the alpha dog around here. But if she ever reads this blog, she's gonna be fussing at me. Y'see, Maddy doesn't think she's a dog.

Here's a video of her in Angie's lap...talking to John. The funniest part is when John asks her if she wants to "go outside and settle this?". She audibly says, "no." If I'm lying, I'm dying.

Ever Wondered...

2009-04-20T07:59:00.005-05:00

why raincoats are yellow?

Note: Out of respect for my more sensitive viewers, I used black bars to hide areas which may be considered offensive. Truth is...I should have put a big black box over the entire human-like shape if I was worried about offending you, huh? Oh well...

Ever Had One of Those Days?

2009-04-19T06:00:00.000-05:00

Things could always be worse. Take a look below and see what I mean.

By the way...somehow, it's still alive.

I would really hate to be the one to try and rescue him. I am pretty sure this qualifies as one of the things that really pisses a badger off.

A Sting and a Prayer

2009-04-18T06:00:00.000-05:00

As an appraiser, I tend to love/hate the warm weather. I love the spring time and enjoy the temperatures. However, the climate change brings out a lot of "critters" that I don't enjoy working around.

First off, I'll tell you...I'm not a fan of snakes. During the winter, I'll climb in heavy brush and not think twice about it. However, as the thermometer rises, my mindset changes. "What if a water moccasin is coiled up in there?" /shudders/ I'm much more careful about where I place my next step.

Second, I don't like red wasps. They tend to be an appraiser's nightmare, though. Lurking in the eaves or hidden in the sheds, these guys have stung me more than any other critter I deal with. It reminds me of the yardman that was working near a shed I was measuring. He said, "You better watch out for them there flyin' bugs. One of them just bit me on my head." Turns out about three or four stung him, but he thought it was one big bite.

There are certainly more pests, but I just realized this blog is heading away from my original purpose. A couple of days ago, Angie and I were about to leave the house together when I noticed a red wasp circling my car. I carefully entered my car without allowing the wasp into my minivan. When I started backing the car out of the driveway, I noticed that he had landed on my rear view mirror. I kind of chuckled and mumbled "idiot" under my breath to him.

The funny thing was he hung on. I started driving down Lexington and looked out...and there he was...hanging on for dear life. Before I reached Forsythe, I grabbed my camera and took these photos. You'll be tickled to know that the wasp hitched a ride with me all the way to N 5th St. I figured he hung with me for at least two miles. Maybe he had some family in the Garden District.

I guess you've heard someone say they made it on "a wing and a prayer". Well, this wasp made it on a sting and a prayer.

Brown Bagging It

2009-04-17T12:00:00.001-05:00

Angie and I took advantage of the favorable weather Wednesday. She's been going through an orientation at St. Francis for a 2nd (part-time) job. So, it made sense for us to be downtown for the picnic.

And as luck would have it, the Brown Bag series was featuring Johnny O'Neal as entertainment. Right there in the park adjacent to St. Francis! Woohoo! PB&J never tasted so good on a pretty day.

Johnny started off his set with a blues song...so you know I was a happy camper.

Sam, the Bellhop

2009-04-16T06:00:00.000-05:00

Jerry's Breakdown

2009-04-15T06:00:00.000-05:00

I saw this video on TV about a year ago and was completely amazed. First of all, Chet Atkins has influenced more players that you can imagine. Jerry Reed happened to be one of 'em.

Here's a video with the professor and the prodigy playing a tune written by Jerry. These are two great pickers!

Ronnie!

2009-04-14T06:00:00.000-05:00

Years ago, when I learned about Arlen Roth's Hot Licks videos, I became fascinated immediately. Arlen, a great guitarist in his own right, made instructional videos with some of the best musicians on the planet. Wanna play like Buddy Guy? Get his Hot Licks video. Wanna play like Eric Johnson? Get his Hot Licks video.

Granted they were originally released on VHS, they still have some of the best players showing you their techniques. I bought a boat-load of these videos on eBay. One of my purchases contained 5 different videos; and in that set was a guy I had never heard of...Ronnie Earl.

When I watched the tape, I connected with him right off the bat. He played exactly like I wish I could play. Ronnie, of course, is infinitely more talented that I'll ever be, but I've become one of his biggest fans.

This is a snippet of the video. Listen to the soul that pours out of his guitar. He adds a lot of nuances that really fill the sound. Great musician!

B.B.!

2009-04-13T06:00:00.000-05:00

Last month, I told you briefly about the 3 kings of the blues. I've already brought you Freddie and Albert. Finally, today, I bring you B.B.

B.B. is still going in his 80's. What a blues icon! Not only one of the best guitarist in the world, he's also a great blues singer.

Be sure and watch for his "butterfly" vibrato technique. You can close your eyes and tell that it's B.B. just because of his distinctive playing style. Watch the sweat pouring off of this guy while he performs. He's not holding back. What an American treasure!

MT2M

2009-04-12T06:00:00.004-05:00

Back in 2003, I was really focused on writing contemporary Christian music and leading worship in small churches. The plan was to involve John and Meredith, and eventually Daniel. I wanted us to be akin to a traveling gospel group. If you saw "Smoke On The Water," you already have the picture in your mind.

However, in my grand scheme, we were going to be hip...with it...playing cutting edge contemporary music. Unfortunately, the family band didn't make it much further than a few lunch groups, but I was glad that God placed the thought in my head. You see, after we played at a few luncheons, John and Meredith gained enough confidence to create a band with kids their own age. They both were recruited to play in a band called Water, which led a local church in worship one Sunday. Then, the youth minister at our church decided to put together a youth worship band, and John and Meredith were recruited to be members. John played bass and Meredith sang lead vocals. Meredith eventually dropped out, but John stayed with it. The band became known as Silas and played at various churches around town...and even in a few out-of-town churches. In their prime, which only lasted about 1.5 years, they were as good as any local band. I used to joke that only two of the six members had driver's licenses, but it was true. Those kids were jamming for Jesus.

I tell you this to explain the title of this blog...MT2M. Back when the family band was still a seed in my mind, I came up with a cool name for a Christian band: MT2M...empty (MT) tomb (2M). Get it? It symbolizes why we celebrate Easter. There was no dead body in the tomb on Sunday morning! Jesus defeated death! All Christians celebrate!

The family band was just a stepping stone for other things. John has now played in various bands. He played bass for First West's Portico band several years ago. He and several friends had a band called Halieus, which played in Battle of the Bands in Lafayette. He now plays rhythm guitar in one of the contemporary bands that leads worship at North Monroe. Plus he's in another band called Second Day Jeans...a Jesus band. I'm very proud of him. Meredith chose to take another path. Although she sings beautifully, you'll probably never hear her. She doesn't like singing publically anymore, but I'm proud of her too.

Finally, I leave you with this video. The band, Downhere, wrote this song and it's on their third album. It really gets to the heart of what Jesus did for us. I hope you enjoy it. I met this band a couple of years ago, and I can attest that they are straight-up guys...very talented...very committed to their "family" band.

If anyone is interested, I still have a few baseball caps with MT2M printed on them. I had some printed in an effort to "sell" the family on my wonderful plan. Yeah, I was disappointed that our band never took off, but God had other plans. And since He's in control, I'm okay with that.

Trespassers Beware

2009-04-11T06:00:00.001-05:00

No Extra Charge

2009-04-10T10:00:00.001-05:00

This guy got to wind surf and fly at no extra charge.

Makes Sense To Me

2009-04-09T06:00:00.000-05:00

An economics professor said he had never failed a single student before but had, once, failed an entire class. The class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said, "Ok, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism."

All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade. After the first test the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. But, as the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too; so they studied little. The second test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame, name calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else. All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great; but when government takes all the reward away; no one will try or want to succeed.

Couldn't be any simpler than that....

Just Watch It

2009-04-08T06:00:00.001-05:00

Mikey sent this to me. I'm not sure that I understand any of it. But the lil' dude's dance is friggin' awesome...timed to the stops and starts of a cassette player. Priceless!

Siren

2009-04-07T11:48:00.004-05:00

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed
a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the
sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her
dog and her tomcat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run
your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the tomcat's collar, I think
you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren.'

Cat-Like Reflexes...Nah...Dog-Like

2009-03-29T14:00:00.004-05:00

Duke has the most incredible focus. The other day, while we were doing our usual routine of throwing and fetching, I had an idea. I placed both balls between my boots and turned on my camera to film his response. He never lost focus. He stayed on task.

Eventually, I bent down and picked up one of the balls and acted like I was about to throw it. He never left his position until the ball left my hand. But it's fun to watch him fake to the left and right getting ready for the release.

I love this dog!

Nothing Like a Comedian Cup

2009-03-28T06:00:00.001-05:00

Meredith went to a bar in Baton Rouge the other day and ordered a drink or two. Turns out, on Wednesday nights, if you order a drink, you get a free souvenir cup.

What makes these glasses special are the sayings etched onto the sides. My hat's off to the creator of these...they made me LOL.

There are actually only two glasses in these photos. Meredith took photos from different angles to make sure the writing was readable.

Blue Grass or New Grass

2009-03-27T06:00:00.000-05:00

Those who know me know that I'm always listening to blues and jazz. But a casual reader might think that I'm not sophisticated. I want to set the record straight. I listen to both styles of popular music...country AND western.

All kidding aside, this video showcases Haley Dykes. I met her at Matt's Music a few years back. Her dad, Doyle, is a legend in his own right. Doyle plays Taylor guitars and performs at "workshops" from time to time. Since Matt's Music is an authorized Taylor dealer, Doyle comes to town from time to time to endorse the guitars. Truthfully, it's like a mini-concert, because Doyle is friggin' unbelievable.

Last time he was here, he let Haley play a couple of her songs and I loved it! I bought the cd and thought about sharing this with you. Now, I love blues and jazz, but Marky loves him some bluegrass too.

Uh Huh!

2009-03-26T06:00:00.000-05:00

Phil Keaggy is arguably one of the best guitarist on the planet. Aside from that, he has also mastered the technique of looping. Looping allows an artist to record a portion of a song and then play it back underneath another portion of the song. This video shows Phil looping multiple layers under one song. I realize this is a long video...over 8 minutes...but you will not be disappointed. Pay special attention to his ability to record the multiple loops and then play them back...in perfect timing...and still sing the song. Unbelievable!

2nd Amendment Rights

2009-03-25T07:00:00.004-05:00

1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.

4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'

6. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun.'

7. Beware the man who only has one gun. He probably knows how to use it!

I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did. She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!' To which I said, of course it is loaded, can't work without bullets!' She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?' My reply was, 'No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too.' To which I'll add, having a gun in the house that isn't loaded is like having a car in the garage without gas in the tank.

One More Jab...For Now

2009-03-24T19:00:00.001-05:00

Unlike the Bush-bashers, I'm praying for our president. I want him to be considered a successful president. I don't like his agendas nor do I like his policies. But the truth remains...he is our commander in chief. I wish him well.

But I saw this and thought, "Letterman made it a nightly occurrence to portray Bush as a bumbling idiot. Why not let the other side see that they're not doing much better at cleaning up the president's act."

As many of you know, Obama uses a teleprompter...almost to a fault. In my humble opinion, he needs to wean himself from it.

Brave Cowboy

2009-03-22T13:06:00.002-05:00

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@*&%# out of all of you!'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago..."

Tow My Car? Not Today Buddy!

2009-03-21T06:00:00.000-05:00

4 Religious Truths

2009-03-20T06:00:00.001-05:00

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four basic religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Southern Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

5 Miracles in the Hudson Plane Crash

2009-03-19T06:00:00.000-05:00

1: No one died!

2: The passengers standing on the wing appeared to be walking on water!

3: It removed Obama from the headlines for 24 hours!

4: No one in the government could take credit for the miracle!

and,

5: It wasn't George Bush's fault!

WOW!!!

Friends Helping Friends

2009-03-18T06:00:00.003-05:00

If any of you are looking for a job, I'd help you. Especially if you needed someone to do what this guy's friends do for him. Really, I would.

Flaming Idiot

2009-03-17T06:00:00.002-05:00

...and you're going to college for what reason?

Ominous Clouds

2009-03-16T06:00:00.004-05:00

When you walk out the door in the morning and see this in the sky...

It might be a good idea to go back in the house, pour another cup of coffee, and stay inside. Chances are...you're not going to have a very good day.

Another King...Albert

2009-03-15T06:00:00.002-05:00

You may not have 8 minutes to invest in this video. But watch an iddle biddle, if you can. The guy was a hoss on the guitar. His style was probably the most influential to SRV, aka, Stevie Ray Vaughan. Although, I think most guitarist push up to make a string bend, Albert pulled down. Not to mention that he was playing on an upside-down flying V guitar. He's just cool.

Full Disclosure - It's the Law

2009-03-14T06:00:00.000-05:00

Depression & Outsourcing

2009-03-13T06:00:00.000-05:00

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

I got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Sleepwalker

2009-03-12T06:00:00.001-05:00

Who's #1 at #2?

2009-03-11T06:00:00.006-05:00

This company has one of my favorite marketing claims. "We're #1 at #2." Check it out and decide for yourself. I've included a link to the website after you watch the hilarious video by a couple of English gents.

LINK TO WEBSITE:
http://www.bumperdumper.com/bumper2.htm

Smile From Heaven

2009-03-10T06:00:00.001-05:00

Here's a one-in-a-million shot.

Man Laws - 11 through 20

2009-03-09T06:00:00.004-05:00

11. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the crotch.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem. You didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

19: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, baby, push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

20: Never talk to another man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing; i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Finally, we've all heard about people having "guts" or "cojones". But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the intestinal fortitude to say, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"COJONES" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the courage to say, "You're next, chubby!"

Well Said

2009-03-08T06:00:00.003-05:00

The late Dr. Adrian Rogers (1931 to 2005) offered the following observation several years ago and it bears poignant significance today:

"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the rich out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend is about the end of any nation. You cannot multiply the wealth by dividing it."

Christian Panties

2009-03-07T06:00:00.001-06:00